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Children and the Death of a Pet
As usual, we’ve done all the research for you and attempted to present you with as much useful information as possible. We hope this helps make it as easy as possible for you to deal with what could be an extremely stressful situation. We hope you benefit from our personal experience of dealing with children and the death of a pet. On this page we discuss -
Don’t forget to bookmark this page so you can come back as often as you need to find help and advice when dealing with children and the death of a pet. You can also subscribe to my Perfect Pets Blog so you have all the newest updates brought directly to you. You can do this simply by clicking on the little orange RSS button in the highlighted light green box along the left margin of this page - and following the directions from there.
Also do not miss the other useful articles available to you – check out the links at the bottom of this page for free information and help with all your pet queries and concerns.
When dealing with children and the death of a pet, it is essential to know how children percieve death. Children at different ages see life and death differently. For extremely young children (under the age of five), death is very impersonal, and usually seems temporary. Your toddler may ask you when your lost pet is coming back. Preschoolers and young school-age children will need explanations and answers to be very short and very simple. Using concrete examples may help: when dogs die, they do not bark, eat, run, or play any more.
Between the ages of five and nine, a child begins to realize that death is final and that everything that lives will eventually die. However, death is still very impersonal -- they do not generally think about their own death. This is the age where children will personify death -- as a skeleton, for example. Your child may have nightmares after talking or thinking about death, so do be prepared for this - it is perfectly normal - nothing that a cuddle and a warm glass of milk won't solve. As a child grows into their early teens, they begin to fully realize that death is final and irreversible, and that they too will die. Teenagers may start to look for some kind of meaning or purpose in life. Pre-teens and teenagers may also confront death by taking senseless risks, trying to find some kind of control over mortality. Teenagers may withdraw from the situation - and what you think is a non-caring attitude, could actually be your teen's only way of knowing how to survive the barrage of emotions he is now facing.
When talking to children about the death of a pet (or even a person), you need to be aware of three things: information, understanding, and comfort.
Whether you have or haven’t talked to your children about death before, they may have some idea what it is. After all, your children have probably seen a dead bug on the ground, a dead plant in the garden, or even heard about death on television. So they may already be developing an idea of what death is -- and it may be far from the truth. It is your duty as a parent to make sure your child gets correct, straightforward information about the death of their pet. It's a common error to try to protect them from the pain of death by telling your children "little white lies". The problem with this is that they look back at it as they grow older and wonder why you lied to them - their trust in you is shaken.
Children of different ages will respond differently to the loss of a pet, and the idea of death in general. You may need to explain about death several different ways, and ask your child to explain it back to you in order to make sure they do understand what you are trying to tell them. When your child asks questions, ask them questions in return -- try to understand what is motivating the question. A question like “Mommy, are you going to die?” may be asked out of fear of abandonment. Your child may be looking for reassurance.
Most importantly, remember that your child is grieving for their missing friend. The knowledge and understanding that a pet will never come back to life may cause a great deal of emotional pain. However, you should let your children know that they are not grieving alone! Tell them that it is appropriate to be sad, angry, scared, lonely, and hurt. Give them permission to cry, and involve the whole family in deciding how to memorialize the lost pet. Planning a simple funeral service will bring the closure you all need - go to our section on Pet Memorials to find ways in which you can remember you pet with the pride and dignity they deserve. Talk to your children about the afterlife, if you believe in one. Discuss getting a new pet as a family: is everyone ready to get another pet? How soon is too soon? Do you want the same type of pet, or same breed of animal?
It won’t be easy to talk to your children about the death of a pet. You will be upset; they will be upset. It may be easier to let your child start by telling you what they know about death. Give them a chance to communicate, and show interest in what they have to say. Your children may already know more than you think they do! It is human nature to avoid the things that are hurtful and upsetting. Not talking to your children about death can lead them to feel worse instead of better - and very, very confused! You may also be setting an example for your children to avoid talking about other bad feelings in the future. The death of a pet is a very sensitive subject; pay attention to your children and talk to them about death when they are ready. Try to be simple and honest in your explanations, and try to answer any questions your children may have. Putting off a question with a “you’re too young to know that!” doesn’t help you or your child. There is nothing wrong with admitting you don’t know all the answers. None of us really knows what happens when a person or pet dies. But this would be a good time to gently share your beliefs with them. A dignified, loving ceremony for your lost pet will help your entire family get some closure - and it will teach your child that everything has value - even a tiny little hamster being gently laid to rest in a simple little cardboard box. Every child will have their own unique ways of expressing and handling feelings about the death of a pet. Listen to your child, answer their questions simply and honestly, and comfort them through their time of grieving. But, perhaps most importantly, let them know that it is ok and completely acceptable to grieve.
Please don't feel you have to go through any of this on your own. Find someone to talk to - someone you can trust - someone who feels the same way about pets as you do. If no family members or friends fit the bill, your vet is a good place to start. However, if you are really struggling, please, please do Contact Us and we will put you in touch with just the right person. Please also do help yourself to all the free information available below. Take a look at the links - we've gone to great lengths to compile all the informatino and help we can think of to really help you through this difficult time. We've been there more times than we care to remember - and we'd like our experiences to help you through.
Click here for sympathetic help and understanding on coping with pet loss Click here for information which prepares you to deal with the practicalities of pet loss Click here for a Christian perspective on pet loss Click here to discuss whether or not you think our pets grieve for each other or for us. Click here for information the painful subject of euthanasia for pets Click here for information which will help you prepare for the loss of your dear pet Click here if you are grieving for a lost pet Click here if you'd like to know more about Pet Loss Support Groups Click here to return from Children and the death of a Pet to our Home Page
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